Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
