There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
