i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
