i just wanna soil my oats bro
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
