i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
