My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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