That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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