You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
