im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
