I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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