Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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