girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
