We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
