Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
