She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
