What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
