so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
