Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
40s are totally the cure
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
