You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
