shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
