I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
