We won't sleep together?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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