have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
This house was built for laser tag.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
