This house was built for laser tag.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
