I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
just tell him i said nine months
i was born a porn star she said
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
