i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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