He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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