last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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