my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Found the puke drawer
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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