there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
