I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
