We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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