I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
