either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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