Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
