Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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