Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
