You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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