I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
