I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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