There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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