So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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