Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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