We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
