His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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