There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
