Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
