Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
This baby is an asshole
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
