you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
