when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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